Like so much of a woman’s identity, after having children, her sexuality also becomes “in service of” something else: the partner, the unit, society. Many are ashamed of their bodies, but don’t feel like they have the luxury of tending to them. It is no longer hers to wield for her own well-being or pleasure. The power of women to create and sustain life is undeniable, and for that very reason, societies have repeatedly sought to control it. One of the most effective ways to do that is to sever women from their sexuality.
Women who remain sexually expressive or autonomous have historically been pushed to the margins, labeled immoral, dangerous, or undesirable. Over time, this stigma became so deeply ingrained that even women themselves began policing and shaming other women for embodying sexual power. Today, we call this “slut-shaming,” and sadly, mothers are not exempt from it.
Why ‘Sexy Moms’ Make Us So Uncomfortable
Mothers carry the invisible load of our societies, birthing children, tending to them, raising them, and managing their outward expression and their internal states is a grave responsibility. In many parts of the world, mothers do this on their own, without any social or familial support, often while holding down a job or a career. Science shows that sexual engagement and expression are important stress reducers and nervous system regulators.
Further, because children learn from observing the adults in their lives, a mother who does not tend to her own pleasure and the needs of her body teaches her kids to do the same. This is a cycle that is playing out in modern times, with millions of women who believe their sexuality is unimportant, or secondary to that of the man in their lives, who learned those lessons from their own mother.
The intimacy crisis
By stripping mothers of the permission to be their natural, vibrant selves, we have resigned ourselves to years of mechanical, unimaginative, and obligatory sex, the surefire libido killer. It’s one of the main reasons we find ourselves in an “intimacy crisis,” and it’s breaking our relationships, our families, and our collective hearts.
We live in sexless marriages, not because we don’t want to be sexual, but because we don’t know how to be. Sexual well-being for mothers becomes, at best, an afterthought, at worst, a liability. As a result, we don’t know our baselines, and we don’t acknowledge our variations. We are not taught how to embrace our multidimensionality and to balance competing priorities while still tending to and caring for ourselves. We believe we can get away with sex-for-procreation and “missionary with the lights on” forever.
The implications of forcing this puritanical binary on mothers and stripping them of the innate vitality and sensuality that comes with motherhood have massive implications for society, as highlighted earlier. That’s a big reason why we need to be so clear and conscious about expanding the conversation around maternal sexuality.
As the life-giving and life-affirming forces we are, mothers deserve to live lives in which we are our full selves, standing tall and proud in all our deepest, most sensuous, undeniably maternal glory. Not for anyone else, which is the default maternal mindset, but simply for ourselves.
What Can You Do About It?
- You can understand that cutting you off from your sexual power once you became a mother was an intentional and political tool of control and fear.
- You can remember that our original myths and ancestors did not separate the maternal from the sexual. That’s exactly where life is made; it’s literally who you are.
- You can release puritanical and patriarchal scripts by internalizing new stories and ancient myths and aligning yourselves with women who will celebrate your multidimensionality.
If you are raising a daughter, you can do your utmost best to teach her how to own and honor her body, even if you were taught something different. Do not expect anyone else to give you back your power. You do this for yourself, in whatever small or big way that feels right.
