The first year is crucial in siblings developing a loving relationship with one another. Language used with or around siblings can also be a game-changer, either in fostering that relationship or fueling any resentment that an older child may harbour towards their younger sibling.
Cuddle both the baby and your firstborn together
Show them that you love them both equally. Your firstborn will feel all the new attention on the new baby; therefore, it is important to show your older child that your love for them hasn’t changed, but in fact, grown, and you have space for both in your heart.
It is also important not to spend only the time that the baby sleeps bonding with your older child. This will send the message that your older child is only important when the baby sleeps, so it is imperative to spend quality time together with the older child when the younger child is awake as well.
When one or the other is upset, talk about it out loud
This helps each to feel important and doesn’t harbour resentment, especially from the older sibling. You may find that on occasion, the younger sibling will crawl over to the older sibling, curious about what is going on. In this case, you can say to your older child: “Ah, Tom, look, Sarah is feeling worried and is coming to see if you are ok too.”
Join in with the baby when your older child is playing
You can hold or feed your baby whilst sitting on the floor with your older child, so that your older child feels included in what you are doing with the baby. This helps your older child to feel as though your attention is on them as well, although divided. To them, it is better than having all attention on the baby.
Ask your older child for help
When you hear the baby crying, you can say to the older child: “Oh, I hear your brother/sister crying, what do you think they need? Can you get that toy for them, please? That’s very helpful and kind of you for looking after your brother/sister like that. You’re the best older brother/sister!”
Focus on what you need your older child to do, not on what they shouldn’t be doing
Sometimes your older child may be playing too loudly whilst you are trying to get the baby to sleep, or putting things (like toys) into the baby’s mouth to “feed” them. They may not mean harm or be deliberate in their actions. They simply have no impulse control. They also may feel as though they are doing “good” – being loud. They are merrily playing or feeding the baby because they think the baby is hungry. Shifting our perspective to their viewpoint can help us realise that they have good intentions.
Give your older child some responsibility
Helping with nappy changes, throwing nappies away, preparing milk bottles, helping to wash the baby, selecting the clothes their baby siblings wear are all examples of where the older child can help and encourage that sense of responsibility.
Encourage your child to entertain the baby
As the baby grows and develops its innate personality, your younger sibling will learn to interact with their older sibling. They will start laughing, and you may find very special moments of bonding and connecting between the two siblings.
When this occurs, verbalize your thoughts and comment on their interaction in order to encourage your older child to entertain and interact with your younger child. Something as simple as your older child making amusing sounds or playing peekaboo will be entertaining for the younger sibling.
Remark on your children’s affection towards one another
When a baby reaches their arm out to touch your face, that is one of the first signs of affection. When you see that, mention it to your older child. Also mention to your baby how much their older sibling loves them when you see them showing affection.
See each of your children for their unique traits
Don’t compare your children. They pick up on it and will then start comparing themselves to one another. See your children for the unique traits that they possess. If your one child is more energetic than your other child, for example, rather than saying “Why can’t you be more like your brother, look how calm they are?!”
Show and model gratitude
You can do this throughout the day, but one of the best times to do this is at dinner time. Before eating supper, each person can go around and mention something they were grateful for in their day. You can incorporate family members into the nightly tradition or ritual.
Love them by leaving them
Sometimes older siblings can be so excited about their new sibling that they “smother” them with love. This can irritate a baby or young child when the older sibling wants to be in their space, comes too close, or does not leave them alone.
Parents tend to react, with the intent to protect the younger child, by stepping in and reprimanding, and find themselves saying “No” or “Don’t do that” very often. From the older child’s perspective, it may be their way of showing love without having the impulse control of knowing when to step away. Constantly hearing “no” may send the message not to show affection towards their younger sibling anymore.
You can set a loving limit and teach your older child the concept of loving their younger sibling by leaving them. This shows them that giving their younger sibling the space they need doesn’t mean they are removing their love, but that their love remains through their action of meeting their younger sibling’s need for space.
Ask for help and take a break when needed
Your children depend on you to stay emotionally regulated, and that means you need to keep your own cup full. Figure out what keeps you centred, and work it into your schedule. Fostering a healthy sibling relationship requires that you stay in balance yourself.
We are happy to offer assistance, guidance, and support in terms of how to coach your kids through conflict. Contact us here for Parenting Support in Child Behaviour and Development, or email info@casfamilies.co.za to find out about the next course/workshop.
