Breakups can be tough, and recovering from them can sometimes be even more challenging, evoking a range of emotions. Shame, guilt, anger, sadness, and sometimes relief can all be a part of breaking up. Many people may also experience grief when a relationship comes to an end.
Breakups are a grieving process with a wide range of emotions, and a big part of that grief comes from the loss of what you thought your future would look like. Grief over a different future than imagined is often a part of the dynamic. To make matters worse, the end of a long-term relationship may entail thorny logistical questions, like how to handle children and finances.
Though breakups are always hard, people generally become better equipped to deal with them as time goes on. There is a saying with grief that is true for breakups, too: It never gets better, only easier. With life experience, we often learn that everything is temporary, including the pain of negative emotions such as loss and grief.
There are several things you can do to help yourself get over a breakup.
1. Keep Taking Care of Yourself
When you’re bogged down with feelings of despair, it can be hard to think clearly. Likely, you aren’t thinking about your own well-being at all. But this is when it’s most important. Some older research shows that breakups can lead to insomnia and compromised immune function. Harding suggests focusing on the basics. Keep up with your exercise routine, sleep well, eat a healthy diet, and maintain positive social connections.
2. Write a Letter to Your Ex
Write a letter to your ex-partner thanking them for what you’ve gained in the relationship and saying goodbye. This exercise is adapted from the book Conscious Uncoupling by Katherine Woodward Thomas, and it could give you the closure you need. For most people, the benefit comes from writing out their thoughts and closing that chapter. It’s about putting your thoughts and feelings down on paper for yourself, to help you move on.
3. Surround Yourself With People You Love
Your heart may be telling you to stay in bed and ignore the world outside, but getting out will likely make you feel better, and social interactions can protect against feelings of loneliness and depression. Lean on your support system, and let your friends support you so you can have extra love around you. Say yes to invitations, whether it’s to catch up over lunch or a coffee, or just to hang out on the couch.
4. Expect Healing to Take Time
The harsh truth is that feeling better is probably going to take some time. You may even have a string of good days before something triggers you and puts you right back where you started. Recovering doesn’t always happen linearly, and sometimes strong emotions show up out of the blue.
Please know this is to be expected, and emotions may come in waves, with a good few days leading up to a tough one. It’s also possible you won’t ever get over this person completely, and that’s normal, too. The key is to learn to carry on, and loss is a part of the education of the human heart.
5. Feel the Feelings
Whatever you experience, just please know it’s okay to have the feelings you have. And if you think about it, simply having those feelings shows your openness to love. The fact that you have the capacity to feel so deeply is a wonderful prognosis for your next relationship. Breakups, rejection, and loss are painful, and they make us more empathetic to others.
Rather than push the negative feelings away, talk about them head-on with a friend, therapist, family member, or mentor. Writing your feelings out, even for 10 to 15 minutes at a time several days in a row, can make a world of difference, and you can even tear up the piece of paper afterwards if you like.
6. Do Something Kind for Someone Else
Sometimes it can be helpful to get out of your own head and focus on someone or something else. Distraction is an effective post-breakup strategy, especially for increasing positive emotions, and doing something kind for someone else can deliver an instant mood boost and put your troubles in perspective.
7. Seek Professional Help
While it’s normal and necessary for it to take time before you feel like yourself again, not improving as time passes can be worrisome. If days turn into weeks, and you’re having trouble functioning at work or in school, please go talk to someone.
Breakups are tough, and recovering from them can be even tougher. Trying to get over a breakup can trigger a wide range of emotions and some really challenging questions about the future. Maintaining your basic self-care habits, writing your thoughts, and leaning on your support system can significantly ease your healing journey.
If time goes on and you still can’t get back to feeling like your normal self, seek professional help with a counselor or therapist. They will be able to support you in your journey toward finding yourself again. Remember that it’s perfectly okay to feel sad, give yourself the time and space to grieve and heal.
