After a breakup, young adults are often encouraged to stay single and “take time to heal” before dating again. Well-meaning advice usually warns that rebound relationships are an unhealthy coping mechanism, something to avoid at all costs. But new research suggests the story may not be so simple.
A recent peer-reviewed study published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior found that starting a new relationship after a breakup may actually support emotional recovery rather than hinder it. The findings challenge long-standing assumptions about rebounds and open the door to a more nuanced understanding of post-breakup healing.
The study, Breaking Up and Bouncing Back: Distress and Post-Breakup Adjustment of Young Adults, followed more than 800 young adults aged 18 to 25 who had recently ended a romantic relationship. Researchers O’Sullivan, Belu, and Wasson tracked changes in self-esteem, emotional distress, and intrusive thoughts, comparing those who remained single with those who entered a new relationship.
The results were striking. Contrary to common therapeutic advice, participants who formed new romantic connections often showed better emotional adjustment than those who stayed single, suggesting that, for some, a rebound relationship may be less about avoidance and more about recovery.
What the Research Found
The researchers conducted their studies using anonymous online surveys with young adults who identified as heterosexual, gay, lesbian, and bisexual. The authors found that breakups were distressing for both partners, regardless of who initiated them. The pain of heartbreak impacts both partners, as the daily routines, emotional comfort, and sexual connection have now abruptly ended. It is the recurring and at times obsessive thoughts about the rituals and emotional experiences that cause partners to feel increased feelings of anxiety and a sense of being frozen.
The study found that people who stayed single after a breakup struggled more frequently with these ruminating thoughts and painful memories. However, the researchers found that partners who rebounded into a new relationship or a situationship after a breakup were able to function more easily. While the subjects still experienced grief, the new romantic connection helped them move forward with their day-to-day functioning.
Additionally, the study reported that the rebounding partners’ overall well-being and confidence were greater because they felt desirable again. The study did not explore whether the rebounding relationship lasted a specific amount of time. However, they did discover a curious finding for therapists to hold in their clinical toolkit.
The key to better functioning was not that the rebound relationship would lead to a new, longer-term relationship or marriage, but that it functioned more as a lifting out of the ruminating habit. The main cause of the post-breakup distress wasn’t the grief itself, but the intrusive and persistent thoughts partners continued to have about their ex. The rumination and obsessions were what kept people stuck.
Why Rumination Hurts So Much
This finding aligns closely with the Buddhist concept of the Second Arrow, which I introduce to clients in my practice. In this parable, the first arrow that strikes a person is equivalent to a painful event, whether it’s a physical injury or a relationship breakup. The second arrow is what happens when one shoots oneself by adding self-blame and the negative mental load.
To break free from it, one must not allow the cycle of negative thoughts to win. Naturally, when people go through a breakup, their mind often fills the silence with rumination. So, in therapy with post-breakup partners, teaching them to mindfully reduce their obsessive thoughts about their ex-partner, while still mourning the loss of the relationship, can be a critical recovery technique.
Healing from Heartbreak
Many therapists may still hesitate to encourage clients to initiate a rebound relationship. However, the takeaway here isn’t recommending that heartbroken partners should jump into relationships in order to avoid processing their feelings. Therapists should be open to their clients starting to date while also using therapy to both mourn the past and not isolate themselves in obsessive thought loops.
Mel Robbins echoes this in her Let Them framework, articulated in her podcast and book. She highlights the importance of no-contact periods after breakups. She even points out that things like “a revenge diet” may cause a partner to remain too emotionally enmeshed with their ex.
According to Robbins, in order to get over a breakup, a person has to untangle all the aspects of the previous relationship from the new reality and rewire the brain away from shared routines and constant reminders. As she writes, “You have to unlearn your life with them so you can start living your life without them.”
How to Rewire The Post Breakup Mind
This study reminds us that many clients struggle less with grief and mourning itself and more with psychological rumination. Interventions that reduce rumination, like cognitive reframing, emotional expression, and social connection, may be more impactful than focusing solely on “closure.”
Here are tips that will help clients mourn a breakup while rebuilding their lives:
- Don’t ignore and suppress your feelings.
- Return to the daily routines you followed before the relationship to give a sense of stability.
- Talk openly with supportive friends or family instead of isolating.
- Join a support group for breakup partners.
- Allow the feelings without feeding into obsessive thought loops.
- Begin a daily mindful meditation practice to help battle rumination.
- Avoid emotional discussion with your ex-partner if it’s a final break. Revisiting the decision isn’t helpful to either partners unless you and they are open to couples counseling.
- Don’t wait too long to start dating again; go out for casual dates to regain confidence and to have some fun.
Self-pleasure, dating, creative engagement, and new experiences with people can all help to disengage the mind’s rumination and get unstuck. Breakup recovery isn’t about waiting a prescribed amount of time before dating again. It’s about helping and supporting partners to move forward with a clear mind, rather than an obsessive one.
To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.
